Wilderness Living

Hello good and faithful friends and family. I know I have not said much in a long while, and I apologize for that. There is a reason for it, however. That reason is this: I felt like I didn’t have anything to talk about. 

“What??!! You’re on the WORLD RACE. You are travelling the world, sharing the gospel, ministering to people across cultures, and going to some of the coolest places ever!!! What do you mean you don’t have much to talk about??” 

That’s my wild guess for how someone might respond.

Well, here’s how it went: 

In Costa Rica, our team did evangelism upon evangelism. We saw so many amazing works of God and shared the good news with countless families. However, I simply observed. I had nothing to say to anyone, thought I wanted to participate and take part in what God was doing. So, I prayed, then we went to the Dominican Republic.

In the Dominican Republic, our squad did evangelism upon evangelism. We saw so many wonderful signs of His love and goodness. Numerous families came to know the Lord in truth. I had so much to say to everyone we encountered. I knew without a doubt that every family we approached, God was going to speak clearly through me, and He did. It was a great month. I felt great. I felt useful. Then, we went to Panama.

In Panama, our team prayed a bunch. Upon entering Panama, the Lord clearly told me to stop seeking people to minister to and to start seeking Him to minister to. That shook me because I thought to myself, “Didn’t I come on this trip to minister to people?” The answer to that question is no and yes. He showed me that Costa Rica was to make me desire to grow in the way I ministered to people. The DR was to give me a glimpse of what God can do through me when I ask Him to move and want Him to move. Then Panama was to show me my value and worth when all I can really do is pray. Then, we went to Peru.

In Peru, our team worked a bunch. We were there for 2 months. I thought that maybe my season of ministering solely to the Lord was over, but He’s still teaching me something. Peru was a time of abandon. I abandoned comforts out of a desire to have a deeper desire for the Lord. Also, because He told me to. You can pray for a deeper desire for the Lord, but if that desire isn’t met with discipline, it’ll remain feeble. When I abandoned those comforts, the Lord revealed some things to me about me. I struggle with anxiety. I have all my life. I simply didn’t know because before I could ever feel anxious, I ran to materialistic comforts. I gave those comforts up. Suddenly, I’m anxious all the time. Now I can’t sleep. Typically, when I can’t sleep, I run to certain materialistic comforts. I gave those comforts up. Now I’m irritable, and tired. All the time.

Fighting anxiety, irritability, and sleepless nights was the general theme for me in Peru. I was learning. Thankfully, the ministry in Peru was very simple: labor and kids. There was plenty of time to sit alone with the Lord, and I used that time well. Honestly, I had to. The fight was long and exhausting, so I decided to stop fighting. Instead, I prayed and trusted the faithfulness of the Lord. I got up every morning and I laid my head down every night. Some nights going to bed was the worst part because I knew I was going to be up all night. Let me be clear. I wasn’t just restless every night. I was scared. Very, very scared. Fear-stricken. I laid in bed alone all night long tossing and turning, hiding under my blankets, sometimes too scared to even pray out loud. What was I scared of? The darkness? Demons? I kept hearing noises and I kept feeling different presences. Yet, I could not tell if it was real or just the anxiety talking. I cried myself to sleep most nights before I’d wake up an hour later to begin my mental torment. Every night felt like the longest night of my life. 

What could I do? What was I supposed to do? What did I do? I prayed. Day and night. I listened to the Lord. Day and night. I trusted in Him. Day and night. In the process, He grew me. He strengthened me. He emboldened me. I’m stronger now. Anxiety plays a flippant role in my life now. Part of me forgot that I even struggled with it. He led me through a wilderness to a wilderness.

Something the Lord brought to my mind back in Panama was the idea of wilderness living. Christians typically refer to the wilderness as a place of trial, testing, and struggle. Sometimes referred to as a desert or a dry season. God gave me another perspective on the wilderness: solitude and abandon. He showed me a painting of a man in the wilderness looking out into the wilderness and I immediately thought of John the Baptist. Living in the wilderness means it’s just you and the Lord. For a moment, I thought the Lord was asking me to surrender everything in my life and go live in the actual wilderness. In His grace, He corrected me. He simply wants my heart to live in the wilderness, a place of total willingness to surrender and abandon all that I have and all that I am for Him. That meant my friends, my family, my dreams, my desires, my reputation, my comforts, etc. Again, He did not ask me to abandon all this. He simply asked me to be willing to. So, by the end of Panama, I decided to be willing to. Then He put me to the test in Peru, as I have already talked about a little.

Now, we’re in Africa. The Kingdom of Eswatini to be exact. Formerly known as Swaziland. Frankly, I’m still not really ministering to people. Nor am I really doing anything worth writing home about. Don’t misunderstand me. The Lord is doing miraculous wonders through my being here. Here’s what ministry in Swaziland looks like:

Mondays are our days to go to the city and get to know the community. We go about talking to strangers and encouraging people as the Spirit leads. Tuesdays through Fridays are days at the care point. This is where we take part in feeding thousands of children across the country. We play games, we teach bible stories, we build relationships, then we send them home with a full belly and some extra food for their families. This ministry is completely self-sustaining. In other words, it runs perfectly fine without us being here. We are here to be used by the Lord however He wants to use us. That’s what our ministry hosts mean when they say, “your presence alone has an impact on this community.” It’s true. Sometimes all the Lord wants from you is to show up, and oftentimes that’s all He needs in order to move in you the way He wants to.

I’m not so sure how to end this, and I’m not very sure what else you may want to know. What I want you to know, however, is that God looks at you before He looks at what you do. He sees you in your glorified state, as you will be in Heaven. You are not there because of what you do, but because of what He did and what you believe He did and who you believe He is. So, it’s fruitless to place all the emphasis on works. There is certainly value in the good we do, but the source of our value comes from our Heavenly Father. You are valued by the Father, whether you believe it or not, so you might as well live like it.